Oh, hey Tuesday! | The Next Chapter

Oh, hey Tuesday!

So here we are, on New Years Eve, and how cliche of me to talk about “the next chapter” on the eve of 2020 and yet another decade. Full disclosure, I fully intended on this blog being out before today, but life happens and here we are. :) I anticipated a lot of things in my year - both personally and professionally - going in a completely different direction but I am fully aware that the plans I have for myself are not the plans God has for me. Trust me - that’s a hard pill to swallow, but I digress.

I went through a plethora of changes in 2019. Shortly after my blog post about my anxiety went live earlier this year, I was forced to take a deep, hard look into many aspects of my life which were slowly but effectively sucking the life out of me. While there are many things I could mention specifically, the big items I had to face and work to find resolve with were:

1) My husband.
2) My son.
3) My faith.
4) My photography business.
5) My day job.
6) My health.
7) My personal life.
8) My family

Some of these items are small things and some are much grander in scale. After a lot of convincing that I could do better, I slowed down and forced myself to look at all eight of these topics and see how they were affecting my day to day life, what I was or wasn’t doing to foster a healthy balanced relationship with them or it, and how I could improve or even just steer to get on the right track. It’s important to note here that I am incredibly self-deprecating and so any “opportunity” I’m given to make sure I feel bad about myself, my brain does a happy little Irish jig to get there. While I may not have resolve yet, I’ll dive a little deeper in as to what I’m referring when I bring up these topics:

My Husband
One thing that we have increasingly gotten worse about is dating each other. I’m not even talking about the overused and fake feeling hashtag of #dateyourspouse, but actually just doing more than coexisting in the same house. I’m not saying that we aren’t loving to each other, that hugs and kisses don’t happen, or that we don’t help each other out. But it’s very, very rare that we get time away just the two of us to focus on US - the thing that started our crazy journey just tipping more than 15 years ago. Very simply, we need to make a collective effort to carve out one weekend evening a month at least to go on a date. We have not started this yet, but I fully plan to in 2020 after sitting down and looking at our calendars. I think… no, I know… my mental block was always that I shouldn’t have to “pencil time in” for my husband. But, the fact is, we are both busy both in our family life and in our personal and work lives so we do. And you know… that is OK.

My Son
This one stems from all of the “outsiders” in my world who have felt they could impart wisdom - err, their gruesome opinions - on me when it comes to how I spent time with my son. I think that sometimes people dane to give their input on others lives because either they feel guilty about how they handle their own, or because they think the way they do it is better. While I very much so believe there is a “wrong way” to parent, I also believe that for the most part everyone has the same desire in mind which is to keep the children alive so they can be adults someday. Because of the “age” we live in, it is very rare that families have only one working parent and the other staying home. Not to mention that even if one parent can completely financially support the family, most families have parents who both desire to work outside the home. I think this is a great transition that has occurred throughout the last 60+ years, and I love it. However with that does come some adjustment for child rearing and raising. My son has never known his mama to be at home on a regular basis - as I have always worked. As he has gotten older though, he has come to miss me more and more when I’m gone a lot on the weekends and in the evenings with my other job. Therefore, I have to work to find balance going into the new year.

My Faith
It’s there, but it’s jaded. I question many things as a lot of Christians do, but at the end of it all I know that God is real and He knows what’s best for us. I have just really gotten out of going to church and making Sundays sacred with my church going. I used to be on the photo team at church, and I got burned out. In getting burned out, I backed out of a lot of things - including just going to church (have I said that enough in this section? Yes.). I need to rectify that.

My Photography Business
When I first got started in 2015, I had big goals that seemed absolutely crazy at the time. I wasn’t happy where I was working and wanted to get out of there as quickly as I could. I picked up my camera and got to work. Naturally I was discouraged at how slow the entire process was, but eventually without much effort (you know - when you stop focusing so hard on something how it happens? kinda like that), everything boomed and between my home life, my work life (by this point I had a new job which I still have and LOVE), and my photography business, I was drowning. I’ve made some changes going into the next couple of years to hopefully continue in slow growth while still being present in other aspects of my life.

My Day Job
Remember above I said something about my other job that I love? Yep, this is it. Again it was that whole I wasn’t really looking and it just kind of appeared and worked out - which has been incredible. However, much like my own business, I tend to morph myself into being “one” with projects and jobs for which I am completely dedicated, and it has happened with this job. I love it more than I ever thought I could fathom and it’s become almost like another child to me. I’m working, again, to find balance.

My Health
As anyone who has followed me for some time, we know I have anxiety. On top of that, I learned this year that I have High Blood Pressure & Severe Iron Deficient Anemia. On top of THAT, we all know by the “books” I am considered to be morbidly obese. So basically I am a hot mess. After my grandma had a very unexpected triple bypass surgery about four years ago, it made me take a hard look at my health. Have I done enough yet? No. But I’m well aware of the health risks I can try to avoid if I just take better care of myself. I just haven’t found something that I will stick with yet - just being transparent!

My Personal Life
Simply put, that whole “self care” and “me time” concept. Making sure I continue to have the “Amber” identity on top of all the other parts of my life (see above and below). It seems really easy to just drop everything and focus on myself, but the fact is I am shortly thereafter drowning in guilt for my decisions. It’s hard, folks!

My Family
And I mean family outside of my home. Those who have been with me since day one, or I have been with them since day one. Family relationships are often complicated, weaved with toxicity and baggage from the past and honestly hard to figure out how to handle. And with some of my family, that is where I have ended up - figuring out how to handle the relationships and the people in the relationship. I realize that at the end of the day, family is always family. However, how family blends into your life as you grow up and build your own you can change… and I think that’s where I am.

While I don’t have resolves for all of the above, I do have some changes regarding some of them going in to 2020:

-Toxic people are no longer welcome in my space. The moment it is found that a person is toxic, they are removed. This doesn’t mean I am not kind and civil to them, it simply means they don’t have the access to me mentally and emotionally that they may have had previously.
-I want to carve out one weekend night with my husband for date night. I think this will help us continue to grow closer as we grow older. <3
-I also want to carve out time with my close friends more often - I need to continue to hold on to that self-identity which makes me who I am.
-After many, many - too many - years of saying I want to focus on my health, I’m actually going to do it this time. I bought myself a new fitness watch - a Garmin Vivosmart 4. It arrived in the mail just before the New Year, and I am already learning more about my health and sleep habits. I also need to add in better eating habits and also exercise.
-Whatever it looks like, I am working toward a healthier work-life balance.
-I am cutting back on my photography business and focusing almost completely on weddings and engagements and not as much on the other stuff. I want to focus on the genre of photography which gives me the most joy!

I trust that all of you will have a safe and happy New Year. I will try to do the same. <3

Peace, love and fireworks
Amber